My partner and I don’t live together (yet), but I do spend a lot of time at his place. In fact, I slept over six nights in a row last week. Many of those nights he wasn’t there or he was awake in the living room while I slept in the bedroom. You see, he just started a temp job with a travel nurse company and works 4, 12-hour night shifts per week!! I wanted to be there when he came home in the morning and when he woke up at night. We are adjusting to his crazy schedule and I wanted to make sure we had enough time together to stay connected.

Cooking for two

I made him meals last week. Last night was the first night he went to work without something I made for him. If you know the Enneagram you know that 4’s (me) can “go to” two (the helper) in stress. I have trained myself to watch for this old pattern. I asked myself a few different times “are you doing this because you think it will ensure his love for you?” And he, several times, said things like “I really appreciate all you’ve been doing for me, and you know I don’t need you to. If you want to keep doing it and won’t get resentful, please do it! But understand that I’m okay on my own.” For the first time ever I was able to say, with confidence, “I hear you, and you can trust that I will try not do anything that could lead me to feel resentful. I’m not looking for anything in return for this.”

Getting used to healthy helping

If I’m honest, I can say that I wanted him to have a bit more ease, since his schedule is a hard adjustment. AND, I can also say that I have been wanting to create more nourishing and satisfying meals to have on hand for myself, my partner and my kids. I’ve been wanting to do what my friend Crystal suggested, to “make everything you do a spiritual practice”, and in this case with cooking.

I was motivated to help because I care deeply about my partner AND myself.

All this to point out that I didn’t lose myself in helping behavior. I didn’t do it to trap him. He’s a sovereign being who asserts his sovereignty powerfully while staying open to my love, and visa versa. This is a major reason why our relationship works.

Alone time

I’m writing this in my own home, in the early morning. I’ve enjoyed two long, restful nights in my own bed and several lovely long interactions with my 19 and 21 year old kids. I’ve been able to focus on bringing more value to my clients. I am an introvert restoring myself. I know what works for me and I’m making it happen.